Feelings Right Now

Lately I have been catching myself wondering where I am and what I am doing. Am I doing anything? Am I alive? Am I on autopilot? But then I remind myself that I am on planet earth & I am (just) living. Like when you look into the stars & get a sudden shocking reminder about the galaxy & infinite amazingness of life. And feel a mashup of wonder and gratitude.

Being alive & being nice. Trying to be pleasant and remain committed. To people, projects, opportunities, visions & views is enough to keep me going right now.

I worry that I am not accomplishing anything beyond small creative projects and assignments or the personal care and maintenance of a family and a marriage. I feel a sense of wasting minutes/hours/days and eventually weeks/months/years.

Fortunately I have been given a really balanced perspective on life. Something I am trying to understand if I was born with or taught. I like to think it is inherent and just part of who I am. Something hopefully I can model for Momo. All this to say that when I do meet these thoughts of doubt or fear I can easily talk myself around, over, under and through them. Point being though, they exist.

A part of me misses the intrinsic busyness that I had in Corporate America. But on the other hand these feelings being processed right now. The calm and uncomfortableness of simplicity, the “simple life”, are feelings I have wanted & am fortunate to experience right now with our young family. I won’t get this time back. I need to soak it into my sun-kissed skin & let it comfort me. Bathe in it and preserve this in my body & soul for the future when it doesn't exist in such abundance.

So here I am bouncing back and forth between comfortability and vulnerability. Wondering if I am making the right decisions but also grateful for the options. Sharing this because I know you too are wondering what life might be like on the other side of whatever you are doing right now. Both sides are good, all of it is rewarding, it is all hard but none of it is everything.

I think these feelings are especially relatable right now as we are a full year into the pandemic and still adjusting day by day to a new way of life. I trust you can connect with some aspect of the above. I have no advice or next steps for you but find comfort in the fact that we can share these feelings. I tell myself I will look at this time fondly. Feeling growth, watching growth & experiencing life in all of its tender & dull & simple moments.

take care

xx Ly