30 Weeks Pregnant

I personally don’t love announcement posts on IG. I never messed with an engagement or baby announcement in the past and living quasi anonymously in Mexico this year has allowed this pregnancy to just humm along above (or is it below?) the social media radar.

But there comes a point when you are kinda just avoiding the bump and at this point I am having a hard time ignoring this mass in my belly- love you baby.

This pregnancy comes as much of a surprise to us, our families and close friends as it does to you I am sure. I always liked the idea of having a few kids. Pre marriage, pre adulthood really, I had this loose vision of being the mom of three boys in the far off future. All boys close in age with different variations of dark mops of hair. My house a mess of empty cereal bowls, sports Jerseys, legos and other tokens of boyhood littering my life.

Fast forward to Spring 2014 just six months into marriage both Mike and I surprised and shocked, I was actually speechless, to learn that we are pregnant. I was on the pill but also I guess not taking it as religiously as I had thought. Plus I had grown up with stories of infertility and loss on my mom’s side so I assumed it would take a lot of effort and like ‘actually wanting to get pregnant’ to get pregnant. Apologies if this comes off as disrespectful, ignorant or triggering. My experiences with conception were both uneventful surprises I guess you could say. I know conception is really tricky for a lot of families and I do not take for granted that we have one healthy guy here earth-side and another en route.

Fast forward again to Summer 2019. One of my dear friends, Ash, is pregnant with her first kid. She comes to visit from LA and on a drive out to a hike she asks Mike and I what we wish as an experience for our kid that we didn’t have for ourselves. After thinking for a bit I say that I wish Mario could have siblings. If you know me well then you know that I have three siblings. They all entered my life, and I theirs, when I was 13. So I spent 13 years more or less as an only child. I didn’t have the experience of growing up in the same house with the same rules or expectations even as my siblings. In a lot of ways I felt (and still feel) like more of a parental figure. It is complex and confusing and trying at times. I am grateful we have had shared experiences and moments where we get to be more on the sibling track but in reality we have a big valley between us that I didn’t want for Mario. Between him and this potential new brother or sister. So that was always in the back of my head.

At this time he is almost five year olds and I feel like we have missed our opening. More backstory, as soon as possible after Mario is born I get a five year IUD so that I don’t have any more unexpected or unplanned pregnancies. A very secure & reliable birth control plan.

Plus, at this point, 2019, I really feel like we are set as a fam of three. Things are smooth and manageable. He is smart and healthy and we have such a strong level of comfort as parents and partners understanding the care and routine for him and things are only getting better, easier even, month by month. So why rock the boat, why add another baby size life jacket really?

Then comes the Pandemic. Life from home, just us three. Again, it is simple and mostly good. The five year expiration of my IUD lingering in the back of my head. Mike and I have a few high level conversations. We ultimately see my doctor who gives us nearly a full hour birth control consult telling us all the options explaining if there is any chance we want to get pregnant in the next year removing the IUD is her suggestion and then going on the pill or using condoms. I schedule the IUD removal and then do what newly responsible adults do and stocked up on condoms so we can practice safe sex. While we waited to see if we felt ‘ready’.

The idea of ‘trying’ and being ‘ready’ are both cringey terms for me. I don’t like to look at sex as ‘trying’. I like to think of sex as self care and relationship care and pleasure and all that. Plus the idea of ‘trying’ was foreign to us. So I told Mike that if we wanted another kid or the option of another kid we should just focus on a window to see if it happens. I gave us a single month and if it happened it happened and if not it was not meant for our family. I can be fatalistic when I want to be. 

And here we are. 30 weeks later. Still a bit surprised and definitely a lot rounder. Mario is ecstatic and took the news surprisingly better than Mike or I had anticipated. We told him in December right before his birthday. He is very excited to be a big brother. Though I think he will be a bit disappointed with the first three months with baby in house. And to be honest I am a mix of emotions too. Part of me didn’t think this would happen. I am anxious about the abrupt interruption to our easy routine with a big kid. And might just close my eyes til we get to six months. Just kidding, I will keep one eye opened.

Thanks for your initial words of support and love on instagram. It is fun to finally share the news ‘officially’ as cringey as I feel about it. More soon. In the mean time would love your POV on age gaps, am I gonna be raising two only children? How did you know you were ‘ready’ for a second? And all other thoughts emotions this post might have brought you.

xx Ly